Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Monday, November 27, 2006
As soon as I began this book about a little girl who was afraid to leave the Mountain, even though it held such dark memories for her, I was enveloped in it. The story held sway over my mood and emotions. At times I raged at Cat for the choices she was making, but I never doubted that it is what she would do.
But more than that, I was with Cat as she faced a journey that was at once unbelievable and completely credible. Her journey took her so far outside her comfort zone that she could never possibly return and left her unalterably changed. It is a psychic journey that I can identify with, that I compare to the road that I am travelling.
The book didn't tell where Cat's journey ended any more than it told me where mine will end. It is fitting that it ends in uncertainty, as there really is no end.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Well, this is quite a rant and I forgive you for skipping it. I feel better with that off my chest.
Friday, November 24, 2006
The thing about america is that we are guilty. The Romans conquered the whole planet as far as they knew and never apologized, same with the Greeks, the Inca, the Aztecs, the Huns, the Ottoman-Turks, ad nauseum. Humans love to dominate each other, and civilization does the same; this is not limited to the whites.
In 100 years when another race, be it Hispanic or Chinese, takes over, will they say, "oh we conquered you here is a job and welfare, but we still think you're inferior, but this helps us feel better about it."? War is violent, as are humans in general.
Seeing my heritage, I hate the whites, the Huns, the Irish, the British, the Sioux, the Mexicans, the Canadians, the Romans, the Amish, the Lutherans, the Wasps, industry, and a few others; since at some point they have all done something to someone in my lineage that was morally inexcuseable. In an effort to consolidate my energies, I am declaring war on anyone who makes more then 4 million a year; they after all are above law and national borders. When was the last time Murdoch got a speeding ticket? The true powers lie in finance, not race; as long as we battle each other for the crumbs the guy holding the bread is safe. That's my soapbox today; dont forget to vote for me in 2016.
There isn't much to say about this. It is incredibly long at 126 minutes, and I found it to be quite boring. I think I could have turned it off at any time with no problem. If you like special effects and firefights, maybe you would like it. There is an interesting plot twist where you're not sure who the bad guys are for a while. There is a nice human element involving Ethan Hunt's desire for a normal personal life. Oh, and the part where the girl they rescue dies because the defibillator takes 30 seconds to charge up. I had a hard time with that one when they have all the latest toys. To end my rambling, I'll just say, Tom Cruise is old news.
I was walking on some back roads with Father and it started to get dark, so we were hurrying home. I told him that I had gotten a new job at the college as a counselor. He wanted to know if I had called the number he gave me. I told him, I tried a few times, but there was no answer. Then we got on a bus. Mr. Clean and Robin were there too. We were going to a parade in celebration of something. Robin and I fell behind and had to run to catch up. There was a whole line of animals in cages, and the guy running the thing had a miniature dachshund the size of a hot dog in a plastic trash can. It kept jumping out and running away.
I was walking up a dirt road to see someone. There was a stream running by the road and a little boy was playing in it. I broke his toy by accident. Then I watched from a distance before deciding to turn around and go back. I slid down some of the hills on my belly like an otter. There was a town meeting and the mother of some friends of Robin was there.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Here's an excerpt to whet your interest:
Horribly, Thanksgiving’s repellent foodly intemperance is nearly always
presented at some weird, un-dinner-like hour of the afternoon, then it’s back to
the TV for the patriarchs, and back to the scullery for the womenfolk, where
they scour off the carbonized substrate of the sugary sweet potato-marshmallow
pie, wrap in foil the remains of the enhormoned, tortured Butterball, tuck into
Tupperware the green been casserole made with Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup
and French’s Fried Onions, and chuck out the untouched can-shaped cylinder of
Ocean Spray “cranberry sauce” that nobody understands, eats, or can live
without. Afterward, everybody either falls comatose or writhes, suffering
varying degrees of physical and emotional distress, on such seating — usually a
small needlepoint footstool or one of the dining room chairs — as has not been
previously commandeered by the football-watching males.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
This got me thinking that landlords around here are really awful and we should buy a house. So today, I talked to the loan officer, talked to the real estate agent, and looked through listings some more.
On the hunt for somewhere to live again.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
After I had invested twenty-some years of my life in her, thousands of
prayers, and thousands and thousands of dollars, I did not want some man thinking
that she was a cheap sexual object to take advantage of.
Is the man's wife wrong to believe that her father sees her as nothing but voiceless, thoughtless, choiceless Property? An investment. Is she wrong to wonder if any supposed relationship with her father has been a meaningless charade?
The letter goes on to encourage the man to be a spiritual leader in the household and make sure his wife goes to church and reads the Bible.
So the man's wife is reduced to a caged animal who cannot decide when to have sex, what to read, or where to go.
The man's wife is very upset with the man's father in law.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I'm busy cooking up a storm for company tonight. Sometimes I like spending the day in the kitchen.
Friday, November 17, 2006
When the plumbers showed up this morning, it turned out the trap was too short to snake it and the sink drains into the tub drain, or something like that. They had to cut the pipe to fix it, the tub is a mess, the landlady is frantic because she's showing the house tonight. Oh, and "you're using fiberglass cleaner on that, right?"
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Commonly thought or deemed; supposed; reputed.
Certainly, to have even a putative ancestor commemorated
by Shakespeare is something about which to boast.-- Frances Spalding, Duncan
Grant: A Biography
A report has found that the putative evidence for the
paper that started the controversy was fabricated.-- Margot O'Toole, "The
Whistle-Blower and the Train Wreck", New York
Times, April 12, 1991
Putative comes from Late Latin putativus, from Latin putare, "to cleanse, to prune, to clear up, to consider, to reckon, to think." It is related to compute, "to calculate" (from com-, intensive prefix + putare); dispute, "to contend in argument" (from dis-, "apart" + putare); and reputation, "the estimation in which one is held" (from reputatio, from the past participle of reputare, "to think over," from re-, "again" + putare).
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: jc
3. Your hair: red
4. Your mother: caring
5. Your father: controlling
6. Your favorite item: my piano
7. Your dream last night: ?
8. Your favorite drink: chocolate milk
9. Your dream car: 4WD station wagon
10. The room you are in: filtered natural light
11. Your ex: my friend
12. Your fear: infertility
13. What you want to be in 10 years: a mother
14. Who you hung out with last night: jc
15. What you're not: energetic
16. Muffins: chocolate chocolate chip
17: One of your wish list items: kitchen island
18: Time: 10:17
19. The last thing you did: woke up
20. What you are wearing: nightgown
21. Your favorite weather: warm autumn days
22. Your favorite book: the dictionary?
23. The last thing you ate: swedish meatballs
24. Your life: happy
25. Your mood: hopeful
26. Your best friend (s): jc
27. What are you thinking about right now: food
28. Your car: Infiniti M45
29. What are you doing at the moment: obviously...
30. Your summer: relaxing
31. Your relationship status: contented
32. What is on your tv: cat toys
33. What is the weather like: windy
34. When is the last time you laughed: yesterday
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I like to know ahead of time what the options are.
I like to be in control.
I dislike doctors.
I've spent most of yesterday and today trying to find a doctor to help us get pregnant. Trouble is, I don't even know who I should see first. The American College of OB/GYN only lists four reproductive endocrinolgists (REs) in the state of Oregon. But then, when I visit their websites, they all talk about IVF as the first treatment option.
I don't want IVF.
Or at least I don't think I do.
Should I just be going to a plain old OB/GYN to start out with? What are they going to want to do?
jc had good sperm counts when they were tested ten years ago. I don't think he wants to do it again. Does he need to? What are the factors that would make it different?
I didn't have endometriosis when I had my exploratory laparoscopy ~five years ago. When the doctor hears that I still have chronic pelvic pain, are they going to want to do another one? I don't want one.
What is this going to cost? (addendum: I just read that basic testing runs $4,000- $11,000; my insurance doesn't cover a dime.)
What is the chance of finding a treatment that A) I'll agree to and B)will work?
I was doing pretty well emotionally with the idea of continuing to try on our own for a while and adopting if it didn't work. Now, I am seduced by the idea that if there is an easy fix, it would be stupid not to find out about it. This is more of an emotional struggle.
They're almost certainly going to want me to start doing basal body temperature charting (BBTs) again. I hate temping, but I'll probably start next cycle so I have some stats to show the doc when I see him.
I guess I need to call my FNP and ask her for a referral.
This is too concrete. I want to cry. I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I want to drink myself into oblivion, smoke a pack of cigarettes; heck, get really high, until I forget all about TTC.
My life is way too good to drag myself down by thinking about this too much. I love my jc. I love the kitties. I love my work. I love this Oregon and the delightful bay where we live.
Why must I want this one thing that I can't have? I wish I could just turn it off and forget about it. I don't want the label fertile or infertile or sub-fertile or anything else they're going to call me. I'm afraid this quest is only going to land me with the label crazy.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Small town life.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Saturday, November 11, 2006
4. At least a half-hour before dough is ready, heat oven to 450 degrees. Put a 6- to 8-quart heavy covered pot (cast iron, enamel, Pyrex or ceramic) in oven as it heats. When dough is ready, carefully remove pot from oven. Slide your hand under towel and turn dough over into pot, seam side up; it may look like a mess, but that is O.K. Shake pan once or twice if dough is unevenly distributed; it will straighten out as it bakes. Cover with lid and bake 30 minutes, then remove lid and bake another 15 to 30 minutes, until loaf is beautifully browned. Cool on a rack.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
As the great French historian Fernand Braudel pointed out in his last major
work, The Identity of France (1986), it was the railroad that made France into
one nation and one culture. It had previously been a congeries
of self-contained regions, held together only politically.-- Peter F. Drucker,
"Beyond the Information Revolution", Atlantic Monthly, October 1999
William Rothenstein described the Academie as a "congeries
of studios crowded with students, the walls thick with palette scrapings, hot,
airless and extremely noisy."-- Jeffrey Meyers, Bogart:
A Life in Hollywood
More important, he doesn't tell us that the Kennedy Administration was a
very uneasy congeries of vastly differing types of Democrats
with conflicting foreign-policy agendas.-- James C. Thomson Jr., "Whose Side
Were They On?" review of Friends and Enemies: The United States, China, and the
Soviet Union, 1948-1972, by Gordon H. Chang, New York Times, July 29, 1990
Congeries is from Latin congeries, "a heap, a mass," from congerere, "to carry together, to bring together, to collect," from com-, "with, together" + gerere, "to carry." It is related to congest, "to overfill or overcrowd," which derives from the past participle of congerere.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
We drove to Portland, arriving Sunday afternoon. As soon as we left the coast, we were confronted with the changing leaves. The beautiful bright yellows contrasted warmly with the dark green of the firs. I never did get wi-fi in the hotel, they blamed it on the weather, or I would have written sooner.
The plan was to go out Sunday evening for some micro-brews. We walked around the mall and got some delicious Indian chicken tandoori. Unfortuately, after riding the train and streetcar around and walking in the rain, we never did find anywhere we were looking for. j. started getting crabby about our purposeless wandering, and we went back to the hotel with a six-pack to eat the sushi we had in the mini-frig.
Monday, I got up early for the nursing meeting. It was well-0rganized and professionally run, and the speakers were well-spoken experts who had something to say and were worth listening to. I came away with some new information and good reminders about old stuff. Of course, there is always plenty of food at those shindigs. I was appalled by the way many of my colleagues were dressed for such a thing. I saw lots of jeans and sweatshirts and very few who looked professional. What can you expect of people who wear pajamas to work, huh?
In the afternoon, we decided to take a second stab at going out drinking. We went to McCormick and Schmick's for an early dinner. I had Tombi Tuna, served rare on a bed of rice with wasabi sauce and greens and topped with pickled ginger. The whiskey sour on the side had me approaching very silly well before dessert was offered. For dessert I had the chocolate hazelnut pie, served warm with vanilla ice cream and an Irish coffee. Being well on the way to drunkenness, we went to Powell's City of Books, a block large, four-story bookstore in the Pearl District. I bought the Tao Te Ching, a lovely illustrated copy.
On the way home, we stopped in a bar where I had the experience for the first time of being refused service on account of my youthful appearance. j. reminded me that I should hang my ID around my neck for such occasions. We went back to the hotel and had a beer and hot wings in the rooftop bar.
Tuesday morning we went to the Portland Art Museum for the Egypt exhibit. The huge stone sarcophagus lid sat in the lobby. I loved the smooth, onyx-colored Isis and Osiris statues. There were funereal finger cots, masks and gold sandals as well as jewelry, a pyramidion and other cool stuff. The museum's Asian display is impressive with Buddhas, Bodhisattvas and the six-armed woman as well as lovely woodblocks and paintings. The Northwestern Native American art consisted of intricate baskets woven from up to four different grasses, painstaking beadwork and traditional costumes. My favorite was the Raven Steals the Sun costume. (Click the link for the amazing story, or watch Northern Exposure season 3 episode 10.)
We went to Silk by Pho Van for lunch. I had vegetarian spring rolls, lotus tea, and noodles and shrimp. It was a great reminder of the food Hien Nguyen used to make me eat back when I worked homecare and took care of her. If you haven't had Vietnamese food, head out to your local Vietnamese restaurant posthaste and order something with lemongrass in the name.
On the way home we stopped at another mall, and I came home with a new bedside table, shower caddy, over the door hooks, and other such things. Now, we're back on a diet and a budget. This move and vacation thing has near bankrupted us. Also time to get back to doing yoga. I've been slacking and my body is complaining.
Anyone who made it this far in this post gets The Booby Prize as congratulations.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Friday, November 03, 2006
This one wanted to play in the street instead of following Mama and Sister in out of the rain.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Somehow the movies that arrived yesterday for j. and I respectively both had to do with murder. We're not big fans of whodunits and only watch the occasional thriller, so this seemed like a strange coincidence.
Rope is a Hitchcock film, something to ponder on rather than excite. The thesis is that morality only holds true for the masses and the upper crust, the inteligentsia, may do as they like up to and including murder. Jimmy Stewart is true to form. When confronted with the practical reality of his idealogy, he admits his error.
Just Cause had me cutting off the blood flow to j.'s hand and even covering my eyes at one point. I think Ed Harris deserved an Oscar for being creepy to the max. It included a plot twist that separated it from the ordinary. In addition, the Everglades are downright creepy.
Two questions arise.
Number one: who decides who has value in society? Is it the intelligent? That's mostly a matter of breeding. The social elite? A combination of birth and fakery. The educated? The employed? The nice guy? If we were going to start pruning the undesirables from the world, who would decide who goes first?
Number two: should we use the death penalty? It comes down to a question of who gets to decide again. We've decided to trust a jury of ordinary people to decide guilt or innocence. We already know that innocent people get convicted and guilty ones go free every day. I'm not ready to trust justice to the caprice of fate, but is it right to take a life for a life? How about a life for two lives, or three or four? Who decides?
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
When was the last time you shaved? Partial yesterday; complete can't rembember.
What were you doing this morning at 8AM? Snoozing.
What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Writing a novel.
Are you any good at math? I can add, subtract, multiply and divide and do simple algebra.
Your prom night, what do you remember about it? My Christian school didn't have prom, but we had a banquet. I went 'stag'-with other girls. The rest is a blank.
Do you have any famous ancestors? No one you would know. Some chief justices in England a Revolutionary War colonel are the most prestigious.
Have you had to take a loan out for school? Twice.
Do you know the words to the song on your MySpace profile? Don't have one.
Last thing received in the mail? Netflix
How many different beverages have you had today? enough water to swallow pills and hot tea.
Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine? Yes, awkward ones.
Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? Um, Pam Tillis, free tickets.
Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? No.
What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? Toss up between drilling and cleaning.
What is out your back door? At the moment, probably a possum eating fallen apples.
Any plans for Friday night? work
Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? No.
Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Yes, from Baptist Nun for Christmas
Have you ever been to a planetarium? Yes.
Do you re-use towels after you shower? Yes. j. uses two new ones every time though.
Some things you are excited about? Trip to Portland this week. Nothing to do.
What is your favorite flavor of JELL-O? Green.
Describe your keychain(s)? Robin's egg blue leather Nine West matches my purse.
Where do you keep your change? My wallet. I like to use exact change.
When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? The last time I remember is a high school program where I told a Brer Rabbit story.
What kind of winter coat do you own? I don't really need one here.
What was the weather like on your graduation day? High school- it rained and I lost my favorite raincoat. College- sunny both times.
Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Ajar.