Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Looking for Help

I like to have all the answers.

I like to know ahead of time what the options are.

I like to be in control.

I dislike doctors.

I've spent most of yesterday and today trying to find a doctor to help us get pregnant. Trouble is, I don't even know who I should see first. The American College of OB/GYN only lists four reproductive endocrinolgists (REs) in the state of Oregon. But then, when I visit their websites, they all talk about IVF as the first treatment option.

I don't want IVF.

Or at least I don't think I do.

Should I just be going to a plain old OB/GYN to start out with? What are they going to want to do?

jc had good sperm counts when they were tested ten years ago. I don't think he wants to do it again. Does he need to? What are the factors that would make it different?

I didn't have endometriosis when I had my exploratory laparoscopy ~five years ago. When the doctor hears that I still have chronic pelvic pain, are they going to want to do another one? I don't want one.

What is this going to cost? (addendum: I just read that basic testing runs $4,000- $11,000; my insurance doesn't cover a dime.)

What is the chance of finding a treatment that A) I'll agree to and B)will work?

I was doing pretty well emotionally with the idea of continuing to try on our own for a while and adopting if it didn't work. Now, I am seduced by the idea that if there is an easy fix, it would be stupid not to find out about it. This is more of an emotional struggle.

They're almost certainly going to want me to start doing basal body temperature charting (BBTs) again. I hate temping, but I'll probably start next cycle so I have some stats to show the doc when I see him.

I guess I need to call my FNP and ask her for a referral.

This is too concrete. I want to cry. I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I want to drink myself into oblivion, smoke a pack of cigarettes; heck, get really high, until I forget all about TTC.

My life is way too good to drag myself down by thinking about this too much. I love my jc. I love the kitties. I love my work. I love this Oregon and the delightful bay where we live.

Why must I want this one thing that I can't have? I wish I could just turn it off and forget about it. I don't want the label fertile or infertile or sub-fertile or anything else they're going to call me. I'm afraid this quest is only going to land me with the label crazy.



Ms J said...

oh..gosh i really dont know what to say except that I am sorry things are difficult for you and JC at the moment.you deserve to have EVERYTHING you want, not just make do with what makes you happy now. Just remember also that you are blessed with a man who loves oyu, good health and knowledge of the medical field - for most others, the whole experience is exptremely daunting. All i can say is, look at this challenge is bite sizes and tackle it slowly.
My thoughts are with you.

Rose Connors said...

Ms J,

Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot to have support of people like you.