Blogging at Work (gasp)

For a moment, I wonder why last week went by so fast, why I feel so tired, and why this weekend at work has been such an emotional whirlwind for me. Then I remember, oh yes, I decided to go back on hormonal birth control.
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I haven't mentioned the subject in a long time, but long-time readers and IRL friends know how much and how long I was obsessed with having a baby and how horrifically painful my periods can be. For years now, I've been staying in bed with the heating pad on the first day of my period and popping the occasional Vicodin and lots and lots of Ibuprofen. Given the fact that I don't appear to be getting pregnant anyway, I finally decided to go back on the pill: the one thing that has been proven to keep me pain-free.
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For at least a year now, I've been growing more and more accustomed to the idea that we won't have children, and made peace with the idea that that's okay for me. So this seemed like a good time to get rid of the pain, a move which it took me a while to become emotionally ready for. It took some effort for me not to be angry that, not only will my reproductive system not reproduce, but it is also a major inconvenience. I call it "worse than useless."
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But that wasn't the point. The reason I started writing this (really transparent and personal for me) post was to talk about a little problem I had at work. Only weariness kept me from writing a frustrated rant yesterday morning about the nurse who made morning report so terrible that I was in tears before it was over with. I composed it in my head on the drive home. I meant to write that if I had to give her report every day, I would quit my job. Then I talked to jc about it and remember that the extra hormones I'm taking are making me emotional.
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The surest cure for a bad night at work is a good night at work, so I was happy to come back to work tonight. I'm even happier now that several people have confirmed that the nurse in question is just a good, old-fashioned Meanie and has been reported for her Meanness on more than one occasion. You see, before I knew that, I perceived her behavior as a personal attack. Now I know better.
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I don't have a dictionary in front of me, but I think you could use the word "maudlin" appropriately to discuss my rambling. I better get back to work.
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Rose

Truancy

I was awakened by an early morning (for me) call from Boss Lady at 10am. Her message said she wanted to "do something about the call-ins" because it really inconveniences her; she went so far as to suggest getting me "fixed". I took great pains to help her understand that when I call in sick, I am really much more inconvenienced than she, and furthermore I would rather go to work than stay in bed with the heating pad. She also suggested that maybe I should not be scheduled when I'm expecting my menses. With 27-46 day cycles, that sounds like a simple fix. I didn't tell her that the last surgeon who cut me open explained that there appears to be no reason for the pain. I also didn't tell her how it seems like a grand cosmic joke to me to have this reproductive system that makes me physically ill two days a month & can't seem to perform its intended function at all. I didn't tell her how frustrated that makes me sometimes. I didn't even tell her that it's her own fault she doesn't have enough staff. We finally agreed that I would remove myself from the schedule in advance if I know I'm getting my period soon. She assured me that she wasn't trying to be punitive, but I feel punished and picked on and mistreated and very tired.

rose

Miscellaneous

A) Living Arrangements- Following a friend's tip, we made the short trip to a nearby town to look at a house for sale. We're still basically at the drive-by level at the moment. The house is in a development planned by the home owner's association. All the landscaping is au natural- native trees and shrubs. The homes are relatively new, most not visible from the street, and on largeish lots for the area. We're waiting for a call now to move forward, but let's just say that it looks promising. One way or another, we're out of here in the end of April. If the house doesn't work out, we rent somewhere else.

B) Employment- With the impending move comes the choice of commuting to the old job or looking for a new one. There aren't so many hospitals around here, so looking isn't too involved. I had tossed around the idea of signing up for a 13 week travel job including housing/stipend. That doesn't look like it's going to pan out unless I'm willing to majorly relocate, which I'm not. (Confession: Got a little snippy with the recruiter who called at 8:20 AM today- says she makes all her calls at that time. I let her know that it's just basically rude to call before nine.) I'm looking forward to the possibility of working somewhere that delivers babies. I'd like to have the option to get into that area at some time.

C) TTC- I continue to use the progesterone cream during the luteal phase. In addition, I just started taking Vitex Agnus Castus aka Chasteberry. It is supposed to have the effect of balancing estrogen and progesterone. That's been shown in studies to relieve PMS and possibly allay menstrual pain. An undocumented claim is that it promotes fertility. The hypothesis is that Vitex also reduces prolactin levels. Hyperprolactinemia is a known culprit in infertility, although little talked about. Basically it prevents implantation. If Vitex lowers the prolactin level to normal, pregnancy may be possible for me. To be frank, that's a tenuous hope, though. We're in cylce 33 this month since I went off BCP's. Statistically, that gives us a pretty low likelihood of success. And I'm pretty okay with that. I decided awhile ago not to be emotionally crippled by infertility or childlessness. Our life is too good for that.

D) Birds- A Great Blue Heron got an awful fright today when I startled a Red-Winged Hawk into flying over it. Great Blue flew off and squawked like a chicken before settling its gangly legs into the mud in a nearby spot. Red Wing sat there as if nothing at all had happened. After all, Great Blue is a bit big for him.

Rose

Odds and Ends

1. Begin Cycle 32

2. Crazy landlady- says we can stay through May now

3. Looking for a Christmas tree- easier than house hunting

re: RE

This morning I don't think I'll do it at all. Maybe my FNP can run the basic tests for lupus anticoagulant. I don't think I'm emotionally capable of going on that whole infertility ride. Dahlia Man always says, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." It seems that it is the thought of changing the status quo that makes me unhappy. If so, then I'll just keep it the same.

RC

Looking for Help

I like to have all the answers.

I like to know ahead of time what the options are.

I like to be in control.

I dislike doctors.

I've spent most of yesterday and today trying to find a doctor to help us get pregnant. Trouble is, I don't even know who I should see first. The American College of OB/GYN only lists four reproductive endocrinolgists (REs) in the state of Oregon. But then, when I visit their websites, they all talk about IVF as the first treatment option.

I don't want IVF.

Or at least I don't think I do.

Should I just be going to a plain old OB/GYN to start out with? What are they going to want to do?

jc had good sperm counts when they were tested ten years ago. I don't think he wants to do it again. Does he need to? What are the factors that would make it different?

I didn't have endometriosis when I had my exploratory laparoscopy ~five years ago. When the doctor hears that I still have chronic pelvic pain, are they going to want to do another one? I don't want one.

What is this going to cost? (addendum: I just read that basic testing runs $4,000- $11,000; my insurance doesn't cover a dime.)

What is the chance of finding a treatment that A) I'll agree to and B)will work?

I was doing pretty well emotionally with the idea of continuing to try on our own for a while and adopting if it didn't work. Now, I am seduced by the idea that if there is an easy fix, it would be stupid not to find out about it. This is more of an emotional struggle.

They're almost certainly going to want me to start doing basal body temperature charting (BBTs) again. I hate temping, but I'll probably start next cycle so I have some stats to show the doc when I see him.

I guess I need to call my FNP and ask her for a referral.

This is too concrete. I want to cry. I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I want to drink myself into oblivion, smoke a pack of cigarettes; heck, get really high, until I forget all about TTC.

My life is way too good to drag myself down by thinking about this too much. I love my jc. I love the kitties. I love my work. I love this Oregon and the delightful bay where we live.

Why must I want this one thing that I can't have? I wish I could just turn it off and forget about it. I don't want the label fertile or infertile or sub-fertile or anything else they're going to call me. I'm afraid this quest is only going to land me with the label crazy.

rc

the Coming of the Pain

Finally that cycle is over. Hopefully my "cycle buddy" gets hers too. We were planning big moving today. Maybe if I can get on top of this pain, I will still be able to participate. My inclination at the moment is to do some self education about fertility testing and treatment and begin some testing in six months to a year. After all, I have just gotten the thyroid corrected. That sort of started us back at square one in the ttc game. I definitely want to go into this knowing what my options are and which ones I will consider. Doctors are always wanting to cut, and I'm ready to say no to that one. Well, food for thought. My heating pad is starting to work; I think a snooze is coming on.

Rose

cycle stats

Sunday
cycle day 44
ovulation was cycle day 27-29
usual LP 12-15 days
recorded LP range 5-20 days
longest recorded cycle 41 days
new onset breast pain day 43
ultra high stress this cycle with parents visiting and impending move

rc

Inspiration from Dr. Chickenfarmer

The visiting ER doc I worked with last night set the wheels in the void above my neck spinning. He told me that he just diagnosed one of his patients with a newly discovered enzyme that prevents implantation, thus causing repeat early miscarriages, often before a pregnancy can be confirmed. The treatment is anticoagulation: aspirin or heparin. I've said forever that I don't want fertility testing and treatments. I was thinking of IUI, IVF, hormone shots, and all that goes with it. What if a simple baby aspirin a day would give us a baby? I need to learn more about this. It could be new hope for us when mine has been severely wilted. The name of the problem is lupus anticoagulant. Should I be looking for an RE?

Rose

the sun'll come out tomorrow- never doubt it

After two days of mild to moderate agony and apathy, I am out of the pit (and hopefully far enough away that I'm not going to fall in again anytime soon.) In case you didn't figure it out, the moaning was the usual, predictable malady, pronounced by increased odds from the absence of agony last month. Finally, this evening, I got out of bed, prepared my signature comfort meal of grilled cheese sandwich fingers dipped in tomato soup, and popped Northern Exposure in the DVD player. I followed that with fresh peaches and strawberry jell-o; and even did a long yoga workout, trying out some new poses to work into the class. After groaning and demanding to be waited on all weekend, it is remarkably refreshing to want to do things for myself. I'll not torture you further with my failings (until next time I'm feeling poorly.)

Rose

ambush

I was knocked to me knees from behind by a solid blow to the mid-section. As I lay curled helplessly on the ground, a kick in the kidneys sent me tumbling into a steep-walled, dark pit with a tiny ring of light at the top. I foggily assessed the damage; I felt as if every bone had been broken. Fairy sprites in the form of kittens licked my wounds and gave me their own warmth to soothe my ailing body. The spell they wove around me made me sleep and gave me sweet surcease from pain.

When I awoke, gradually and cautiously, the sprites still in attendance, I attempted to scale the sides of that vile abyss to freedom. I was making progress, the circle of light was growing, when suddenly a pike darted down from above and returned me to the bottom, in worse condition than before.

Now I allow the fairy sprites their ministrations and idly contemplate the possibilities. Although it is dark, I am getting used to it. The kittens make it tolerable and even pleasant at times. I will stay a while and gather my strength. When I am well enough, the ambushers-in-the-dark will skulk away without showing their faces out of fear for me.

Rose

face in the sun- an abstract expression

scan- dream journal

I waited anxiously for the man to return and tell me the results of the scan. Had the egg been fertilized? Had it stuck? Finally, I sought him out in the upstairs attic room.

"Did it work?" I asked.

He replied confidently, "Of course."

j. and I hugged and kissed and cried a little. I shouted out to a woman passing through the room that I was pregnant.

Sronnoc Esor

another ttc post- thinking out loud

It's interesting how things always happen in stages for me. We've had several obstacles trying to conceive, and just when I reach the breaking point there always seems to be something else to solve or try. Now I realize that solving the thyroid problem basically puts us back to square one; so instead of calling this month 29, I might just as well call it month 3. And nobody is, or should be, worried about trying 2 months without success. The return of the PMS only means one of two things, though & both are caused by the same thing: too much estrogen, not enough progesterone.

So, after much research and thought, I have decided to start supplementing with progesterone cream. This is done only during the luteal phase, the part of the cycle that comes after ovulation, also called the proliferative phase. Progesterone is more effectively absorbed transdermally than orally, since the liver metabolizes it. I already know that I don't want to take synthetic hormones, one reason I'm not interested in fertility testing. The progesterone in the cream is derived from plant sources, and many people have had very good success relieving PMS with it. Some people also claim that it has helped them sustain a pregnancy after multiple miscarriages.

I'm moving on, and it always makes me feel better to have something to do about it. For the time being, I've learned my lesson about getting too optimistic, though. We'll see what happens now.

Go 29!

Rose

whine, gripe, moan, cry, smile

Aunt Flo(w), the witch, the hag, the monthly, period, menses, curse from Eve. Call it what you will, it is here. I guess I committed some great sin. I suffer more than most from Eve's curse, but am not blessed by the fruit of it. The "sorrow of conception" that God promised her will not visit me. In this moments, my illogic assures me that my parents and Bible teachers were right and I am being punished for my rash action: marrying that heathen and subsequently turning heathen myself. To borrow from Jimmy Stewart, "that's what I get for praying." And if that's not enough, there's the cruel trick of raising my hopes and making me think I might be pregnant every month with breasts large as cantelopes and sensitive as an open wound for a week. If I'm lucky I'll make it through this one without the narcotic pain relief that I usually need. I guess my body is crying over its failure too.

I am blessed to have the arms of my husband to run to. In his eyes I have no shortcoming; I see only sympathy for the pain he knows I feel in my body and in my heart. "Go ahead and cry" he assures me. j. is confident that one day we will have our own child. I know we will adopt someday if we don't. For now, I just thank Fate that I'm not miscarrying, that we have a wonderful life, that every day brings new happiness, that I have friends who will suffer my lunacy and listen to my tears, that a kitty is always ready to curl up on my lap and ask silently, "Mommy, why are you crying?" Because they know when something is wrong, they are empaths, my daughters.

I hope I can restrain myself from consuming the whole six pack of Amber Bock by the time my company gets here this evening. Maybe Fate is smling on me after all, and maybe by some Felicitous Fluke it will happen next month- that crazy cell collission that we worship at the altar of. I think I'm getting drunk and I have no idea whether I spelled collission right. I better go. Thanks for listening. (If you made it through.)

ooorrssnnce

one-track mind

The only thing I can think about is that my breasts are no longer tender, they are painful, and with five days to go before my expected period, this can only be the very worst ever PMS, just when I thought it was getting better with my vitamins and herbs regimen, or that maybe finally I'm actually pregnant. (Normally, I would apologize for the run-on, but in this case it's necessary.) At work last night I wrapped a blanket from the warmer around my chest to relieve the discomfort, I went to bed with the heating pad on my boobs, and as soon as I woke up, I put on a very supportive bra, which I don't think I'll be removing anytime soon. Well, I took it off to shower, but I regretted that decision. Now, I never wear a bra anymore. I'm a 32B and a supportive tank top works just fine, I don't need a binder. I have to find one first to put one on. Other than that, I'm just plain bitchy, but only to j., and he handles it very well, I might add. Enough self-centered blather for one day.

Rose

Wednesday

I stayed in bed all day. In the afternoon my period came. Just a few months ago, in an environmentally friendly moment, I got a Diva cup. It's a little clear plastic cup that replaces a tampon and it's reusable. I'm still enjoying using that. For me it's a little more comfortable than a tampon. Unfortunately, Diva cup notwithstanding, I was not comfortable. I got out the extra long heating pad and the regular size one. Together they wrap the whole way around my middle and I tie it with a bathrobe belt.

The pain was just starting to ease up when I heard a car pull up outside. Uh oh. I forgot. The piano tuner and I'm in my skivvies tied to an electrical outlet. I woke up my napping husband and sent him to open the door and take all the pictures off the piano. One kitty darts under the bed and the other hides behind a curtain. I usually do the dishes and dust before he comes, but I guess he'll have to see what a slob I am.

I finally get up and dress. I was trying to make do with Aleve and the heating pad, but since I was up now, I took a Vicodin. I enjoyed a pot of chocolate macadamia coffee and read my book until the piano was done.

After the tuner left I started to feel ill, I mean sick to my stomach, nauseous. And hot. It was only 64 degrees in the living room, but I asked my husband to turn the fan on and get me a bowl of chicken noodle soup. Maybe the soup would soothe my tummy. Too late, whatever was in there was insistent that it come out the short way. I went to sleep for a while. Shadow nosed under the sheets and made herself into an exploring bump crawling around our legs and bodies. Now I'm better.

I'll probably be up all night.

Rose

trying for a baby-Tuesday

Every day in America a high school girl misses her period. She stares at the two lines on the stick and wonders what to do. A middle aged news anchor who thought she was beginning menopause looks at a similar stick, she got the pricey digital kind, and wonders how she should word her request for a sabbatical. For each of those two, probably another ten or more women of more standard child-bearing age gaze dejectedly at a stick with only one line. I can't tell you which is more depressing, but I avoid those sticks at all cost.

When I start bleeding this time, tonight or tomorrow, I'll move on to page 28 of the journal I started when I quit taking birth control pills. Every page is a monthly cycle. I circle the minus sign that represents a negative home pregnancy test on the chart. I draw a red line through the day of ovulation and write "O" in the upper right hand corner to separate those months from the months I didn't.

It took a long time to even get one of those "O"s. After that, I was more positive. I started to have severe pain the first day of my period, laughingly pointed out my failure. I would lie in bed with the heating pad, taking pills and feeling dejected.

Then PMS symptoms started to appear 10 days before I was due. My breasts would get painfully heavy, I would grow irritable, crave salty snacks and snap at my husband. All those typical early signs of pregnancy fooled me for a while.

I learned about herbs that regulate the menstrual cycle and started drinking a tea of red raspberry leaf, red clover, nettle, and oatstraw every day. The PMS symptoms began to abate.

I had blood tests drawn. My estrogen and progesterone levels were completely normal, but my TSH was high. My body wasn't making enough thyroid hormone. I started taking Synthroid every day. I learned that hypothyroidism causes infertility and early miscarriages. New hope.

Now my thyroid levels are normal too. My nurse practitioner says I'm healthy a horse. I keep taking my prenatal vitamins and drink the herbal tonic every day. This month, I don't suffer from PMS. Instead I start having strange dreams. In one my husband is shot by police. In another an itchy skin rash that I really have grows into an occlusive mass of growths, covering my body completely. Even my husband says I must be pregnant now. But today there is old brown blood on my panties. I'm sure I'll start bleeding soon.

I sound depressed about it and sometimes am I. But mostly, I'm just happy for a good life and a second (28th) chance to make it happen.

Life is good.

RC