Praise Break!

 I've been looking back over the things I wrote on this blog between 2006 and 2013. Two things have struck me about my writing:

1. I don't feel like I can still write like I used to.

I think it was because I practiced, which reminds me that I just need to start writing again.

2. I was lost and I was proud of it.

The answer to the 2nd point lies in the resounding grace and mercy of God's redemption. It is amazing that God called me back from that place of floundering, irreverent doubt. There is a post where I used lower case "g" for God and upper case "F" for fate. I was thumbing my nose at religion, flaunting my rebellion. I quoted from philosophy and the Tao de Ching and Richard Dawkins. I got a tattoo on my forearm to celebrate myself. It is a man with a walking stick, standing on a path under a waterfall. To me it represented how I had found my own way. I embodied what Paul wrote to Timothy about below.

"For the time will come when people will not tolerate sound doctrine and accurate instruction [that challenges them with God’s truth]; but wanting to have their ears tickled [with something pleasing], they will accumulate for themselves [many] teachers [one after another, chosen] to satisfy their own desires and to support the errors they hold,"  II Timothy 4:3 Amplified Bible

The truth that I refused to see was clear to others. Gil, who was a Buddhist, told me that I would find my way back to faith again. Carol openly scoffed at my claim to be an atheist. Others, secure in their own doubt and defiance of God, congratulated me on my "free thinking" and wanted to hear how I had arrived at these conclusions. Between the lines of my writing, in numerous emotional posts, it is clear that I was missing something. I wrote so many posts about how unhappy I was, then apologized and blamed it on my infertility, or my period, or something else.

Today, I was walking the dogs in the snow on the mountain, and spending some time with God. I'm learning something really powerful about quiet time with God. I don't always know what to say when I'm praying. I used to come to God with a formula. Follow the pattern set forth in the Disciple's Prayer (commonly called the Lord's Prayer). Or I would come to God with a list of everything I wanted. I think that God is happy to hear from me, and I'm not saying there is any right or wrong way to pray. But today, and many times, when there is something on my mind, I needed to start with praise. 

This week we read Psalm 148. The Psalmist makes a list- mountains, hills, fruit trees, cedars, wild animals, cattle, small creatures, flying birds, and many more. He simply exhorts everything and everyone that exists to praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. What a good place to start when you're not sure what to say!

So that's what I did. 

"Praise the Lord, you snow-covered hemlock trees! Praise the Lord, you blackberry bushes hanging over the trail! Praise the Lord, beautiful bright blue sky!" 

That praise entered my soul, and suddenly I knew what the rest of my prayer was. 

"God, I trust you." 

I remembered my list, my parents who are sick, loved ones who need to be saved, my 11 year old who got written up for standing on the chair and running out of the room Friday, my questions about how to best serve God. 

"God, I trust you with my list. I know you're going to do what's best." 

My heart was filled with peace.

Our praise is so powerful! Praise truly opens the gates of heaven.

Tualatin Hills Nature Park

Spring is Here! (not technically)

It was a lovely, sunny day here. Buds are out on the trees. Spring flowers are blooming. Folks are eating lunch at sidewalk cafe tables. I had an iced coffee.

My ink was finished yesterday. After about two hours work, I have a lovely piece of artwork with deep meaning for me.

Life is good.

Rose

Forty Year Blizzard

I was so excited when the weather forecast a few weeks ago predicted snow. The morning I woke up to see white, fluffy flakes coating everything and still falling I went out with the camera and trekked all over. We only got a few inches that day, but the cold weather stuck around in a very uncharacteristic fashion. We wound up with something like a foot of snow, an odd inch or so of ice, and plenty of steadily below-freezing mercuries before Christmas week was over.
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I braved the worst of the storm to trek to work by streetcar, bus, and train, with a fair amount of walking tossed in for good measure. The city slowed to a creep during the worst days, with lots of hospital employees sleeping at work, most of the restaurants closed, and skiers and snowshoers in the streets.
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I woke yesterday to pleasant temperatures near fifty, and a Portland that looked more familiar without its coating of snow. The detritus left behind made it look like people had believed the snow would remain forever: cigarette butts, trash, and other messes that people would normally pick up, now exposed by the thaw.
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Rose

Update or I Like the City

The above picture was taken at The Grotto. The statuary depicts St. Francis of Assissi, who must have something to do with peace, considering his companions.

jc and I have been spending a lot of time downtown. Quite ironically, we moved to the part of the city that is most nearly identical to the tired, boring, small town we were trying to escape. In addition, our 25-year old condo is badly in need of maintenance and repairs, and the association has decided to go all out now, with roofing and paving going on every day. There's no end in sight. So we started looking at apartments downtown. jc wanted to live downtown to start out with, and we knew that this place was just a way to get to the city. We found a great loft, and we're just waiting for the details to be approved, so we should be moving in a few weeks.

Spending time in the city changes how I think about myself. I find myself thinking more about my appearance than I ever did. In former podunk outpousts where the universal dress code is either coveralls or baggy sweatpants, I've had little motivation to do any better than jeans and a t-shirt. When I have the treat of looking at people who are well-dressed and pleasant, I want to do the same myself.

It surprises me how much I enjoy the city. I grew up as a simple country girl, but every day that I spend in the city, I enjoy it more. Yesterday, I went alone; riding the train, going to the library, reading a book in a coffee shop. It was a successful day. I'll do it again.

rc

It's Complicated

I haven't posted in a long time. That's partly because gas prices have kept me at home, so I've been nowhere to either write about or take pictures of. It's also partly because I'm somewhat introspective and slightly troubled. It's not anything that I'm ready to talk about, but it's occupying my mind more and more.

rc

Beets!

I love to grow things, but I'm really bad it it; so I get really excited by small degrees of success. Just to have my seeds come up is a major accomplishment. For my beets to actually be leafy and green and pretty is unbelievably exciting. I'm beginning to entertain the possibility that I'll actually have beets to eat. As a matter of fact, I'm planning to thin these crowded plants and eat the greens today.

In other matters, Ki'il and the Scholar moved to town this week. I'm looking forward to having someone here to meet for coffee. In an optimistic move, I checked The Basic Writings of C.G. Jung out of the library. We'll see how far I get. I'm halfway through at least six books already.

I'm ready for the rains! Have I said that before? I ordered a raincoat. Pics when it arrives.

Rose

IRFD- Barely Flipped

I sat on the train home from the city late this afternoon, thinking about how it was the second annual International Rock Flipping Day and I still hadn't flipped any rocks. I snapped this shot from the bridge.

When I got home, I realized that the dying light didn't give me long to flip, so I headed down the blocked off, dead-end, city street we live on to search for rocks.

I came to this rock-like barricade, much too heavy to lift, but sitting on lots of limestone.

I flipped a few small rocks and was disappointed by fallen leaves. Then I turned this rock over and found ant larvae and this vaguely snail-like looking creature

Another large pile of manufactured rock on top of more rock. If you watched long enough you might see something crawl out of the cracks here. I only saw candy bar wrappers, crushed aluminum cans, and the ashes of a forgotten campfire.

I turned back before heading up the lane to snap this shot of the waxing moon shining over the Willamette River. By now, the bats were swooping in their erratic arcs, a garter snake scurried across the cracked macadam looking for a hole to hide in, and the street light glowed the same pink as the last rays of the fading sun.

Rose

Angelic...

...definitely doesn't describe me. I'd love to get outside to get rid of some of my bluesy, bored, irritable mood, but it's simply too sunny and hot. I'm seriously ready for the rains to start! I ordered a new coat, specifically intended for rainy days in the city. I'm irritated with the company for being so slow about sending it, even though I have no use for it whatever at the moment. I'm obsessed with political coverage of this very fascinating, historic election, but I'm irritated with that too. Even my five pound bag of nacho chips with all the appropriate toppings isn't cheering me up at the moment. I'm going to brew a fresh pot of tea and be as unpleasant as possible. That just how I feel.

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not so rosy

The Grotto

The Grotto is the location of a Servite monastery and chapel.  The Grotto itself is a shrine carved out of the rock cliff.  Outdoor mass is held there weekly throughout the summer.  An elevator takes you to the top, where there is a lovely garden dotted with religious sculpture.  Pictured above is the Peace Pole.  The inscription is repeated in three other languages on the other sides of the pole, and it guards the entrance to the Peace Garden.  I wandered the gardens while the Sunday crowd attended mass at the chapel at the foot of the cliff.  I stopped in the meditation chapel to read familiar words from the Tao Te Ching: words I've been repeating like a mantra lately, "things arise and she lets them come, things disappear and she lets them go."  The monastery is here, secluded, at the top of the cliff; and I can imagine the peace and solitude the garden must offer at sunrise and dusk, when it is closed to the public.   I thought about staying to attend mass, but the spirit of the garden had already filled my soul, and I didn't want to chance spoiling it.

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Rose

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p.s. Click here to view all of today's photos on Flicker.

Recovery

I'm still in recovery from vacation. I had to renew my CPR certification yesterday, so that was a slight deviation, but we made it up with a trip to Nicholas restaurant, where I had the vegetarian mezza with lairan, a middle eastern yogurt drink. This afternoon I walked to the supermarket and picked up a Cabernet and a nice smoked pepper cheddar, which I am now enjoying.

Rose

Back Home

The few days I had at Mother and Father's flew by. Mr. Clean and his brood were there. The baby is beautiful, and I took every opportunity to "babysit". Baptist Nun was there and Big M and Little M came over every day. Robin and A.E. showed up Friday night, so all the siblings were together briefly for the first time in years.

I slept in the yard in a tent until it turned rainy. I slept at Big M's one night, and on the floor of the living room. My bed at home was welcome after all that.

We had lots of good meals, laughed until I stopped breathing playing Balderdash, had a picnic with extended family, and went to prayer meeting, where I had a wonderful chat with my old piano teacher.

SheWCBN took me to the Waffle House for breakfast and wonderful girl talk. We even stopped at a yard sale.

It was a pleasant trip "back home" and I'm happy as can be to be truly back home now.

Rose

Nostalgia

Every time I go back to Pennsylvania, I get a sort of fuzzy feeling when I see familiar things. This trip was no exception. I even saw a 17-year "locust" or cicada. Actually they were quite vocal at the campground. I was born in the year of the locusts, so this is their third trip for me. I went for a long tramp in the woods and drank in the musty familiar smell and got the insect bites to show for it. I walked through poison ivy without contracting it. I ate Middleswarth barbecue chips, scrapple, ring bologna, and lebanon bologna: some of my favorite junk foods. Little M made the familiar macaroni saddle with homemade mayonaise dressing. If you know what all that stuff is, you just might have grown up near me.

rc

Riding the Rails

I woke up early, feeling like a new person after a good rest. I took the subway to the Amtrak station, dodging early morning heat that must never have dissipated overnight. I relaxed in my seat with my iPod and drank in the scenery from my window seat as we passed town after scenic town with lovely bays full of sailboats. At Penn Station, I was part of a crowded mass of humanity, all looking for the right train platform. The train stopped in a cornfield in Pennsylvania; the conductor explained that there was an electrical problem, but we were only twenty minutes late.

rc

Boston

I dropped Robin and A.E. off at the airport, returned the rental car, took the train to my hostel to check in and store my luggage, and set out to explore the city. I walked through the park down Commonwealth Avenue, admiring the architecture and taking in the monuments. I especially enjoyed the inscriptions on the Women's Memorial. I lingered in the shade in the Public Garden, enjoying the cool beauty of the park. As I emerged from the Boston Common to see the Old State House, it started to get hot. I had left my water bottle at the cottage when I needed it the most.

I meandered slowly down the freedom trail, making the most of shady nooks, buying an apple in an outdoor market, and a bottle of juice in Fanieul Hall. I got swept up by the crowd in a huge outdoor market that seemed to be one-way only, and envied the children running through fountains in the park. By the time I reached the Italian neighborhood where Paul Revere's house is, I was wilting from the heat. I lingered in a souvenir shop for a while before heading straight for the subway station and back to the hostel.

Back at the hostel, I slept fourteen hours, rather the worse for my hot day, but having enjoyed the sights nonetheless.

Rose

Last Day

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We stayed at the cottage for our last day, swimming, playing on the swingsets, handwashing some laundry, and cleaning out the refrigerator. In the evening we went for one last walk in downtown sandwich and stopped at the Bean and Bagel for iced coffee and a muffin. A.E. could hardly tear herself away from the basket of children's books they had there, preferring it even to her chocolate muffin, or cupcake as she referred to it. A strange woman dug through the basket of newspapers to find a map of Cape Cod and inexplicably flexed her bicep at us in imitation.
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rc

The Boat that Works

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Our grand plans for the Nantucket Ferry or whale watching seemed far too grand this near the end of a busy week. We settled on the Duckmobile instead. A restored U.S. military amphibious vehicle is the ride for a brief tour of town and the harbor, replete with corny jokes from the guide and quacking in unison at passersby. A.E. was enthralled, grinning broadly the entire time.
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rc

Fancy Tea

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Today we went to storytime again. A.E. was bored by the story, but fascinated when Miss Mary brought the frog out to "pat". Froggie obliged by getting away and causing a scene.
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We went to the tea room at lunchtime for "fancy tea". We consumed a pot of something light and fruity known as Courtship Tea, accompanied by cheese, bread, fruit, and a spicy chutney.
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Following a tip, we made the drive to Wood's Hole, where we were told there was a free aquarium with a touching pool for kids. We did slightly more driving in circles than touches ocean life, and the touch pool turned out to be mostly full of seashells.
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For dinner, I had my much awaited Ipswich clams, which were somehow unsatisfying. We were happy to make it back to the cottage to swim and swing to our hearts' content.
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rc

Mayflower II

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A.E., lured by the promise of going on a boat, was distinctly disappointed by the hot, crowded Mayflower, which simply sits at the harbor. She insisted, "I want to go on a boat that works!" We promised to make good on that later in the week.
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rc