Problem Solving vs. Crisis Abatement

There are multiple approaches to problem-solving. I like solving problems, but my patience for it is in inverse proportion to the messiness of the problem. I like to find a solution that relates directly to the problem, and whose solution is ordered, sequential, and foolproof. I doubt that there is ever such an instance in interpersonal affairs. Perhaps that represents a significant portion of the reason that I have a tendency to abandon human problem solving techniques once the crisis is past and my emotions have settled.

I have learned that like minds, when coupled, have an extraordinary ability to extend the workability of reason in human problem solving; but I was resistant to the idea that it could work when only one of those involved in the problem participated in the technique. Then it was pointed out to me that problem solving that is only aimed at crisis management does nothing to prevent future problems. It is therefore preferable to take steps to prevent future crises.

Not every human problem seems to have a rational basis. Some things seem to be purely emotional. But even emotion has a pattern that can be discovered, if observed calmly. It has cause and effect. Therefore it can be reasoned and problem solved on a rational basis.

At first, solving a problem that involves two people seems like it should necessitate the active involvement of both parties in rational problem solving, but I've discovered a major flaw in that supposition. It supposes that both parties experience the problem identically and contribute to it identically and equally. In fact, nothing could be farther from the truth. Both my contribution to the problem and my experience of it are likely to be vastly different from his. It would be useful to precisely identify and understand the inner workings of his perception and experience, but it is not entirely necessary. I can use what I do know of what he feels to alter my reactions in a way that gives him the perception of improvement.

This is who I love. Now how can I do it better?

I need to speak his love language to him. It is the medium he understands. It is what he uses to make me feel loved. It is what will give him the experience of feeling loved. Using methods that I understand to show my love to him will make me feel more satisfied that I love him, but it will not address his feelings. A dear friend likes to say "right feelings follow right actions". It's a phrase that I was never particularly fond of, but today I find myself rethinking its meaning. It makes sense that if I behave in a loving way it will result in experiencing a loving feeling.

What does he do to show me that he loves me? These are the things that will make him feel loved if I return the action. I should show my love with a gift that has value to him rather than one that has value to me.

rc

Sharing is Fun

Okay, so the title is tongue-in-cheek. I never learned how to communicate about feelings as a child. I recently learned that my siblings' code word for Father was "Baron". I was pretty much scared to approach him about anything. If I needed something, I'd cajole Mother into asking him. I certainly didn't have open conversations of any kind with him. While I was confident in Mother's love for me, maybe there just wasn't time for sharing for her, with all the responsibilities of a household. Or maybe it was something else.

Religion taught me that feelings are secondary to controlled impulses, that one should do what is right, whether it feels good or not. I still believe that. I believe that I should control my emotions, and edit them if necessary. I believe that I should mercilessly cull inappropriate feelings. Does this put me in control of myself, or does it simply serve to detach me from my true self? I can walk around all day thinking about how I feel about something without any threat. I can reason with myself about it, consider the facts, change my mind if I want.

I still remember the first time jc wheedled me into admitting that I loved him. It was certainly premature, maybe even on the phone before we'd actually met. Love takes many forms; and the love I confessed then, that barely formed feeling that I wanted to talk to him every day, share everything with him, knowing that he shone a bright spot on my busy life, is worlds different from the way I feel about him today. It was the seed of a tree that is still growing. I admitted it hesitantly, and it exposed a part of me that left me vulnerable. That exposed part of me has grown over the years. In a few weeks it will be 8 years. But jc has never made me sorry that I opened that spot to him. He's given me his own insecurity too, but that's another post, and one that will almost certainly never appear here.

The response to our childish game of, "loves you to deff, baby-baby" is often, "but, why?" There's no good answer to that. Your handsome face, pretty eyes, accepting heart? How nice it feels to hold your hand, to walk arm in arm down the street, to lie together in the afternoon? Presents you buy me, perhaps? That you don't criticize my slovenly housekeeping? Maybe it's still the reason that I actually fell in love with him in the first place, because I trusted him never to hurt me. My answer is often to stroke his lovely face and kiss him softly. I need no reason.

That often-unspoken simplicity of love has kept jc and I from ever needing many conversations about our feelings. There have been some hard times. In some of those times we've lost patience, raised our voices, but we're both careful not to utter words that are impossible to take back later. In the really hard times we've banded together more strongly, done what was needed, and come out on the other side. Certainly those interchanges have forged a love that talking could not do.

But none of that really helps me with anyone else, does it? My therapist is the least threatening person I've ever talked to, but I still can't meet her eyes when there's a really difficult subject to discuss. That's my tell. Avoiding the gaze. Recently I've had to grapple with the difficulty of discussing feelings that are unreasoned, unsummoned, unwelcome even. Feelings that rob me of power and make me vulnerable when revealed. The risk exists of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It would be too easy to discard the inconvenient feelings completely, with all that is connected to them, but how cowardly. How much better to follow the habit of a lifetime and do a revision.

Is it really like Voldemort?? Never saying the name makes him ever more frightening? Uttering the word is the first step, turning him from an otherwordly, all-powerful demon into a manageable, defeatable entity.

I am not bound by formless, volitionless impulses. I am bound neither to blindly accept their existence, nor to run wildly from the fear they invoke. There is middle ground. There can be first, second, third revisions, ad infinitum. The draft will never be ready for publishing. That's the way life goes when you're living it and not sitting on the sidelines watching.

Rose

a Record

I've neglected this poor blog ever since I joined Facebook. Yesterday, inviting a friend to read my archives here inspired me to read over them myself. I wanted to see what I had to be embarrassed by. I guess I've written my share of whiny posts here, but I always figured that venting was an important use for a blog. If sharing some of my inmost thoughts seems slightly embarrassing, it is nonetheless useful to be reminded of things I would have otherwise forgotten. Reading back over the last four years of my life, I appreciate the journey, and wonder if the next four years will take me as far. In 2009 I went on a diet, lost 25 pounds, started biking, and renewed a lease for the first time since jc and I have been married. It's nice to have a record.

rc

Spring is Here! (not technically)

It was a lovely, sunny day here. Buds are out on the trees. Spring flowers are blooming. Folks are eating lunch at sidewalk cafe tables. I had an iced coffee.

My ink was finished yesterday. After about two hours work, I have a lovely piece of artwork with deep meaning for me.

Life is good.

Rose

Progress

Those of you who talk to me regularly already know that I found a therapist. I consider it (in a way) a very good milepost that she didn't make me dig deep this week because she thought I seemed to happy and didn't want to wreck my happiness.

We're starting to have warm days. Spring is on my mind.

rc

I'm Okay

It's occurred to me that I write far more introspective, angsty posts than I do happy, contented ones. There are obvious reasons for that. If you read my high school diaries, (which you can't, because I destroyed them) you'd see that tendency clearly exhibited. Anyway, as far as I know, no one is eternally mad at me and things aren't really as bad as I made them sound. Thanks to the readership for tolerating a little bipolarity at times.

We're enjoying an amazing amount of sunny weather for January in Portland. I'm loving the new job, and even found a new bus route that cuts my transit time by twenty minutes or so. I'm making a tentative start at an exercise regime-only two days in, we'll see how that goes.

I've even been thinking about writing the dreams again. There have been some real doozies lately.

Rose

Deja Vu or Emotional Rambling

I wonder. Am I destined to go through life making all the same mistakes over and over? Because I'm starting to see a pattern. Can I outlive the mistakes of the past? Can I right the wrongs I've instigated? Can I earn back the trust of those who love me? There's so much work to be done. I'm afraid of what might happen. Now, more than ever, I'm grateful for jc's seeming unconditional love and support. I'm not sure that there's any sense in apologies, because there's no way to undo what I've done. It's been my rule not to regret the past, but I find myself regretting my behavior nonetheless. I need help picking up the pieces.

rose

Moved

We're installed in our new high rise loft apartment. Boxes surround us. It's the favorite time for the kitties. Lots of places to play. Odds and ends remain to be completed before we give back keys from the old place. I've accepted a new job. Orientation starts Monday, followed by classes every day next week, and finally floor orientation the following week. I'll be floating to eleven different floors, and I get two nights orientation on each floor before being on my own. My first night alone will be the first or second week of January. That's more orientation than I got in my first job as a new nurse. I also get an annual public transportation pass. I'll be taking the bus to work and trying to sell the Titan. I'm loving the convenience of being in the city. My favorite so far is the food carts. A mile's walk and five bucks gets me Mexican, Thai, Vietnamese, Greek, Lebanese, Japanese, Korean or Polish cuisine. That's a real bargain, and I get some exercise. Who needs to cook?

rc

New Beginnnings

Moving day is Saturday. I should be spending more time packing.
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We're going to see Spring Awakenings tomorrow.
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I accepted a job on the float pool at Providence working 3 eight hour nights.
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I'm excited about all these things.
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rc

News

• signed lease for Pearl district apartment
• move-in is October 25
• promising interview Friday- waiting for job offer
• too antsy too sit in the house- off to downtown

rc

Update or I Like the City

The above picture was taken at The Grotto. The statuary depicts St. Francis of Assissi, who must have something to do with peace, considering his companions.

jc and I have been spending a lot of time downtown. Quite ironically, we moved to the part of the city that is most nearly identical to the tired, boring, small town we were trying to escape. In addition, our 25-year old condo is badly in need of maintenance and repairs, and the association has decided to go all out now, with roofing and paving going on every day. There's no end in sight. So we started looking at apartments downtown. jc wanted to live downtown to start out with, and we knew that this place was just a way to get to the city. We found a great loft, and we're just waiting for the details to be approved, so we should be moving in a few weeks.

Spending time in the city changes how I think about myself. I find myself thinking more about my appearance than I ever did. In former podunk outpousts where the universal dress code is either coveralls or baggy sweatpants, I've had little motivation to do any better than jeans and a t-shirt. When I have the treat of looking at people who are well-dressed and pleasant, I want to do the same myself.

It surprises me how much I enjoy the city. I grew up as a simple country girl, but every day that I spend in the city, I enjoy it more. Yesterday, I went alone; riding the train, going to the library, reading a book in a coffee shop. It was a successful day. I'll do it again.

rc

More Ambiguity

This blog has always been, in some ways, a place of relative ambiguity . It's inconvenient for me to write in detail on this forum about deeply personal matters. I can discuss my feelings much more freely than the reasons for them. I stopped crying today for the most part. The tears that did come today were completely different from the ones from before. As I told jc, in Scenario A there is something that I thought would make me happy and something that made me very sad. Scenario B involves something that disappoints me somewhat and something that makes me very happy. So I chose Scenario B. I have a twinge of regret over missing out on Scenario A, but I'm not turning back.

rc

Happiness

When I was in my early teens, I spent the summer working as a waitress at a summer camp. One of my weekend duties was to clean between groups. As I was cleaning the lodge one week, I encountered a woman who was still there because she was ill. Yet she was sitting up in bed smiling and laughing with her family.

Since then, I've observed this phenomenon many times, but that first experience really stuck with me. The terminal patients on the oncology floor where we did clinicals in nursing school often surprised me in the same way. After reading the chart of a woman who had a very grim prognosis, I went into her room and found her happily listening to Stevie Nicks on headphones. We dreaded those patients the most, but maybe they taught us the most. Not about medicine, but about life.

Today my lovely friend Shewcbn reminded me not to spend life chasing happiness, but to simply choose happiness. I agree with her. I've had some hard days lately and cried a lot of tears, and it isn't over by any means. But this morning in bed, I forced myself to breathe deeply, fully exhale, and go to a happy place, just like I tell nervous hospital patients to do. And despite these difficult days, my happy place is still there, and I can still be happy in it.

rc

It's Complicated

I haven't posted in a long time. That's partly because gas prices have kept me at home, so I've been nowhere to either write about or take pictures of. It's also partly because I'm somewhat introspective and slightly troubled. It's not anything that I'm ready to talk about, but it's occupying my mind more and more.

rc

Beets!

I love to grow things, but I'm really bad it it; so I get really excited by small degrees of success. Just to have my seeds come up is a major accomplishment. For my beets to actually be leafy and green and pretty is unbelievably exciting. I'm beginning to entertain the possibility that I'll actually have beets to eat. As a matter of fact, I'm planning to thin these crowded plants and eat the greens today.

In other matters, Ki'il and the Scholar moved to town this week. I'm looking forward to having someone here to meet for coffee. In an optimistic move, I checked The Basic Writings of C.G. Jung out of the library. We'll see how far I get. I'm halfway through at least six books already.

I'm ready for the rains! Have I said that before? I ordered a raincoat. Pics when it arrives.

Rose

Angelic...

...definitely doesn't describe me. I'd love to get outside to get rid of some of my bluesy, bored, irritable mood, but it's simply too sunny and hot. I'm seriously ready for the rains to start! I ordered a new coat, specifically intended for rainy days in the city. I'm irritated with the company for being so slow about sending it, even though I have no use for it whatever at the moment. I'm obsessed with political coverage of this very fascinating, historic election, but I'm irritated with that too. Even my five pound bag of nacho chips with all the appropriate toppings isn't cheering me up at the moment. I'm going to brew a fresh pot of tea and be as unpleasant as possible. That just how I feel.

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not so rosy

The Grotto

The Grotto is the location of a Servite monastery and chapel.  The Grotto itself is a shrine carved out of the rock cliff.  Outdoor mass is held there weekly throughout the summer.  An elevator takes you to the top, where there is a lovely garden dotted with religious sculpture.  Pictured above is the Peace Pole.  The inscription is repeated in three other languages on the other sides of the pole, and it guards the entrance to the Peace Garden.  I wandered the gardens while the Sunday crowd attended mass at the chapel at the foot of the cliff.  I stopped in the meditation chapel to read familiar words from the Tao Te Ching: words I've been repeating like a mantra lately, "things arise and she lets them come, things disappear and she lets them go."  The monastery is here, secluded, at the top of the cliff; and I can imagine the peace and solitude the garden must offer at sunrise and dusk, when it is closed to the public.   I thought about staying to attend mass, but the spirit of the garden had already filled my soul, and I didn't want to chance spoiling it.

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Rose

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p.s. Click here to view all of today's photos on Flicker.

Everything's Great When You're... Downtown

Since getting back from my trip, I've signed up for several nights at work, but haven't been needed. SPM was here a few nights ago en route somewhere else, so we had a delightful visit with him. Yesterday we watched the opening ceremony in Beijing, which I was simply fascinated by.

We took advantage of a weekend off work and went to the Portland Saturday Market today. It was crowded with people and food and booths of great arts and crafts. Then we sauntered over to the Art Museum for the Klaus Moje glasswork display they have up. Of course we never go to the art museum without stopping to see Monet's Water Lilies. It was a perfect day without too much sun, and yet still without rain.

Now I'm going to watch the Olympics with jc and eat salty snacks. If I'm going to be lazy, I might as well enjoy it.

rc

Da Vinci and Mary Magdalene

It seems somewhat ironic that I received the Bock book in the mail from Laura just days after watching a History channel special on the same subject, but I should begin at the beginning.

I haven't shared with a lot of people, primarily because they didn't ask, that reading Dan Brown's book instigated my first crisis of faith. I feel kind of exposed writing about it here, yet I have no compunction about sharing my story with anyone who is interested, so I will attempt to shed my self-consciousness and write openly. Many fundamentalists, as is their habit, warned churchgoers against reading The DaVinci Code when it was first published to widespread acclaim. I didn't initially have much interest, but jc brought it home from the library, so I read it.

Admittedly, I've always been a sucker for historical fiction, trying to separate the true from the invented. In this case, I was already primed for doubt. I wouldn't want anyone to misconstrue my story to mean that a fictional story caused the disintegration of my faith: quite the contrary. The very fact that I could entertain Dan Brown's fabulous hypothesis indicates that I must have already been engulfed in doubts that I had, until then, failed to recognize.

Coming face to face with my doubt sent me into a tailspin of emotional distress. My faith had been constructed on a framework whose basic tenet was the divinity of Jesus Christ. I can look back and acknowledge that a wife and child need not have negated Jesus' godhood, but at the time the two seemed necessarily mutually exclusive. Nor does frank examination of the evidence available seem to provide proof of either to me. Both the History channel special and the Bock book expose reasons why Dan Brown's claims are full of holes. I am even led to wonder whether Brown bears some malice toward the Catholic church, which prompted some of his fantastic notions.

You may want to ask: if The DaVinci Code doesn't get the credit for my change in beliefs, what does? I was raised in the protective bubble of Biblical fundamentalism. I attended Christian school and Christian college, worked at Christian summer camps, and even taught at a Christian school. I had little exposure to secular science or philosophy until my late twenties. I was taught literal, six-day creationism, and school science texts routinely debunked radiocarbon dating, and cited misconstrued fossil findings as evidence against evolution. Fundamentalists hold that obscure Bible passages and accounts such as creation are all equally true. The truth of the whole is integrally linked to the truth of individual parts. When I began to learn what science has discovered about the origins of the earth, and the history of mankind, I had to reject a 6,000 year old earth and the Adam-and-Eve story of man's origins.

It took several years for my concerns to accumulate to the point, that I rejected the Bible as truth outright. It has been about a year now since I felt that it was important to share my change in beliefs with my family. As I continue to read and learn, I do not regret the path I have chosen. I have more questions than ever, and yet I have no burning need to have the answers. I relish speculating on the questions. I describe myself as agnostic or freethinker, and I have no doubt that many would dismiss my views as secular humanist, a term that my upbringing uses to sneer at those who believe, as I now do, that how I treat people that I can see is more important than what I believe about a god who may or may not exist.

I've come a long way since reading The DaVinci Code, but I don't regret a single step.

Rose

Recovery

I'm still in recovery from vacation. I had to renew my CPR certification yesterday, so that was a slight deviation, but we made it up with a trip to Nicholas restaurant, where I had the vegetarian mezza with lairan, a middle eastern yogurt drink. This afternoon I walked to the supermarket and picked up a Cabernet and a nice smoked pepper cheddar, which I am now enjoying.

Rose