Emptiness

I've been asking myself some questions. 

Did I really believe in God as a child? 

Why did I really stop believing in God? 

Why?

I did a lot of philosophizing and ruminating about that on this blog years ago. I suggested reasons like inadequacies in my childhood, challenges of philosophy like the deity of Jesus, questions about origins, and general doubts about the ability of God to make my life better.

I think those answers were excuses.

You see, I was living my life, trying to fill my basic emptiness. For many years, I thought a man would fill that emptiness. After getting married, it didn't go away. I was sure a baby would fill the emptiness. When I finally adopted a baby after many years of infertility, I suffered the worst bout of depression I ever experienced. I had a job with personal meaning to me, but that didn't fill the void. I even gave alcohol and marijuana a try, but those were the worst popular failures. I kept talking about how happy I was, but it was superficial and impermanent. Between the periods of happiness were periods of depression, anxiety, and misery. I lacked contentment and joy.

There is a saying that every human has a God-shaped hole. Human love, money, power, sex, intoxication, family, career, and success cannot fill that space. Half-hearted following after God will not provide satisfaction either.

Question 1- Did I really believe in God as a child? I did, but with an impersonal, untested faith that I did not nurture enough. My faith was superficial, and did not reach deep into my soul. 

Question 2- see answer to question 1. 

What has changed now?

When I invited God back into my life, I made a commitment to prioritize God over everything else. I make time daily to talk to God in prayer and listen to him speak by reading the Bible. I am part of a church where I receive teaching, inspiration, fellowship, and encouragement. I still have a long way to go, but at least now I'm on the right path. I know now that God is the One who provides the fulfillment I always longed for. I have a job, a husband, and a son, but my first Source is Jesus.

Are you trying to find meaning in life?

Try Jesus.

"I am come that they may have life and have it more abundantly." John 10:10