God is in the details

 We all took the week off for the holidays. We have been enjoying relaxing time together. We took a day trip to Rebuck and Hegins, PA to see some Young family history sites. I slept in until 9:00 yesterday. That was really nice, especially since we've been staying up later than usual.

Today we took the dogs up on the mountain for a nice off leash walk. About 100 yards off the road, Duchess yelped and acted very strangely. From a distance I could see that she had something, and wondered if she had gotten a small animal. Adane ran ahead to see. She had set off a trap. We were grateful to see that she wasn't hurt.

We turned around, put everyone back in the truck, and drove to a more heavily traveled trail to avoid any more traps. What a blessing from God that the puppy didn't get her foot or leg caught in the trap and sustain a serious injury! We had a nice walk at the second spot, where Duchess ran circles around us and waded in the creek.

Now I'm simmering a beautiful venison stew. Bread dough is rising next to the warm oven. I started by cubing venison steak, tossing it in flour with salt and pepper, and searing it in the Le Creuset. I put in fish sauce, soy sauce, ketchup, and beef broth for umami and complexity. Then I added onions, garlic, celery, carrots, and potatoes. The gravy will cook down and thicken in the oven. Mike likes it that way.

It's a peaceful, grateful kind of day.

Ring the Bells!

Ring the bells!

Joy to the world!

Hark! the herald angels sing! Glory to the newborn King!

I hear a lot of people asking when it's okay to listen to Christmas music. I agree that it's just fine to listen all year if you like, but I don't choose to. I listen to worship music constantly. I drive a lot for work, and I have 4 local Christian music radio stations programmed on the car radio. That way I can switch if someone starts talking. The music encourages me, reminds me of what's important, recharges me, and often pulls me out of a negative mental spiral. If I can't sleep, I have a Christian music stream on my phone to play softly and lull me back to sleep.

So, when my favorite radio stations start playing Christmas music after Thanksgiving, I'm not completely happy. Holly Jolly Christmas and Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer don't have any power over my mood. For the first 3 weeks of December, though, I can usually find a station playing something I like. The last few days before Christmas though, it gets harder.

Yesterday I had a rough day. Things were busy. Lots of people needed me for lots of things. I wasn't getting my alone time, and I felt like I was under a lot of pressure. I behaved badly. I raised my voice, stormed around, cried a lot, even threw a few things. To be honest, I had a 5 year old tantrum. 

So today I was really happy to go to work. I get drive time to myself, and I even had a short day. Our old dog Maya hasn't been doing very well, and she's been riding along with me. I finished all my patient visits and charting, finished my Christmas errands, went to the butcher and got bones for the dogs. I stopped by the lake to look for birds and give the dog a walk.

As I turned the car toward home, a song came on the radio: Ring the Bells. Suddenly, I wanted to raise my arms and shout, 

"Yes! Ring the Bells! RING THE BELLS!" 

Christmas may have started with Jesus' first breath in the manger in Bethlehem, but the story really begins when Jesus took his first breath after the crucifixion and rose from the tomb. That was the breath that changed everything. That breath changed the world. So ring the bells, because the world has been given joy. Jesus gave us redemption, a gift that we should never stop celebrating.

I may be kind of Grinchy about some of the Christmas hoopla. I confess that I wrapped my family's presents in that brown paper that comes in the big Chewy box with the dog food. I still haven't made the gingerbread houses. I didn't put a wreath on the door. But Jesus is in my heart, God calls me His own, the Holy Spirit speaks to me. What priceless treasures I have because of Christmas.

Let's play some Christmas music, and ring the bells to celebrate!

Praise Break!

 I've been looking back over the things I wrote on this blog between 2006 and 2013. Two things have struck me about my writing:

1. I don't feel like I can still write like I used to.

I think it was because I practiced, which reminds me that I just need to start writing again.

2. I was lost and I was proud of it.

The answer to the 2nd point lies in the resounding grace and mercy of God's redemption. It is amazing that God called me back from that place of floundering, irreverent doubt. There is a post where I used lower case "g" for God and upper case "F" for fate. I was thumbing my nose at religion, flaunting my rebellion. I quoted from philosophy and the Tao de Ching and Richard Dawkins. I got a tattoo on my forearm to celebrate myself. It is a man with a walking stick, standing on a path under a waterfall. To me it represented how I had found my own way. I embodied what Paul wrote to Timothy about below.

"For the time will come when people will not tolerate sound doctrine and accurate instruction [that challenges them with God’s truth]; but wanting to have their ears tickled [with something pleasing], they will accumulate for themselves [many] teachers [one after another, chosen] to satisfy their own desires and to support the errors they hold,"  II Timothy 4:3 Amplified Bible

The truth that I refused to see was clear to others. Gil, who was a Buddhist, told me that I would find my way back to faith again. Carol openly scoffed at my claim to be an atheist. Others, secure in their own doubt and defiance of God, congratulated me on my "free thinking" and wanted to hear how I had arrived at these conclusions. Between the lines of my writing, in numerous emotional posts, it is clear that I was missing something. I wrote so many posts about how unhappy I was, then apologized and blamed it on my infertility, or my period, or something else.

Today, I was walking the dogs in the snow on the mountain, and spending some time with God. I'm learning something really powerful about quiet time with God. I don't always know what to say when I'm praying. I used to come to God with a formula. Follow the pattern set forth in the Disciple's Prayer (commonly called the Lord's Prayer). Or I would come to God with a list of everything I wanted. I think that God is happy to hear from me, and I'm not saying there is any right or wrong way to pray. But today, and many times, when there is something on my mind, I needed to start with praise. 

This week we read Psalm 148. The Psalmist makes a list- mountains, hills, fruit trees, cedars, wild animals, cattle, small creatures, flying birds, and many more. He simply exhorts everything and everyone that exists to praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. What a good place to start when you're not sure what to say!

So that's what I did. 

"Praise the Lord, you snow-covered hemlock trees! Praise the Lord, you blackberry bushes hanging over the trail! Praise the Lord, beautiful bright blue sky!" 

That praise entered my soul, and suddenly I knew what the rest of my prayer was. 

"God, I trust you." 

I remembered my list, my parents who are sick, loved ones who need to be saved, my 11 year old who got written up for standing on the chair and running out of the room Friday, my questions about how to best serve God. 

"God, I trust you with my list. I know you're going to do what's best." 

My heart was filled with peace.

Our praise is so powerful! Praise truly opens the gates of heaven.

Return from Exile

(Originally written June 22, 2017) 

God has called me back to his side after ten years of running from him! He has filled me with such peace and blessing as I learn to know him again.

I had started online dating for all the wrong reasons in February. A few weeks ago I accidentally went on a date with a Christian man. He listened to me recount the basic events of the last fifteen years and asked, "when you went to Florida and Oregon, what were you running from?" Then he told me I should read the story of how Elijah had God's strength to stand up to Ahab and the false prophets but ran away when Jezebel threatened him. God didn't let him escape though. He went with him and called him back with a still small voice. I couldn't get that out of my head.

After our date, I kept thinking about him and his question. I was impressed by his Christian character and I really liked him, but more than that God was moving in my heart. I called my old pastor's wife Tina for counsel, and she wisely said, "Ask God to show himself to you, and he will." As we finished our conversation it started to storm outside with thunder and lightning and heavy rain. I was reminded of Psalm 18, my favorite, where David asks for deliverance from his enemies and God descend on the clouds to defend him, embodied by storm. I ran through the drenching rain to get my Bible from the car so I could read that Psalm. I was just finishing copying favorite phrases on a notepad and thanking God for speaking to me so clearly when the phone rang.

Mom was on the phone telling me that Dad couldn't walk and they were taking him to the emergency room. I was working at the hospital that night, so I spent every spare minute checking on Dad. He was being treated for Lyme disease and improving overnight. I slipped Mom my notes on Psalm 18 as I rushed into work, and later was able to share my joyful news with both my parents, who have prayed faithfully and trusted God to redeem me these many years. In the midst of illness we praised Him and wept together.

A few days later I was reading Elie Wiesel's memoirs. He recounted being deported to Buchenwald in 1944 and watching the slaughter of most of his family and friends. He writes:

"God accompanies his children into exile.... He will never be absent. Present at the Creation, God forms part of it.... No space is devoid of God. Good is everywhere, even in suffering, and at the very heart of punishment.... What happens to us touches God."

Today I thank God that he went with me into my self-imposed exile. I suffered the consequences of my own willful choices, but God did not punish me. He protected me. He stayed with me, and He waited for me. What undeserved Grace!

Emptiness

I've been asking myself some questions. 

Did I really believe in God as a child? 

Why did I really stop believing in God? 

Why?

I did a lot of philosophizing and ruminating about that on this blog years ago. I suggested reasons like inadequacies in my childhood, challenges of philosophy like the deity of Jesus, questions about origins, and general doubts about the ability of God to make my life better.

I think those answers were excuses.

You see, I was living my life, trying to fill my basic emptiness. For many years, I thought a man would fill that emptiness. After getting married, it didn't go away. I was sure a baby would fill the emptiness. When I finally adopted a baby after many years of infertility, I suffered the worst bout of depression I ever experienced. I had a job with personal meaning to me, but that didn't fill the void. I even gave alcohol and marijuana a try, but those were the worst popular failures. I kept talking about how happy I was, but it was superficial and impermanent. Between the periods of happiness were periods of depression, anxiety, and misery. I lacked contentment and joy.

There is a saying that every human has a God-shaped hole. Human love, money, power, sex, intoxication, family, career, and success cannot fill that space. Half-hearted following after God will not provide satisfaction either.

Question 1- Did I really believe in God as a child? I did, but with an impersonal, untested faith that I did not nurture enough. My faith was superficial, and did not reach deep into my soul. 

Question 2- see answer to question 1. 

What has changed now?

When I invited God back into my life, I made a commitment to prioritize God over everything else. I make time daily to talk to God in prayer and listen to him speak by reading the Bible. I am part of a church where I receive teaching, inspiration, fellowship, and encouragement. I still have a long way to go, but at least now I'm on the right path. I know now that God is the One who provides the fulfillment I always longed for. I have a job, a husband, and a son, but my first Source is Jesus.

Are you trying to find meaning in life?

Try Jesus.

"I am come that they may have life and have it more abundantly." John 10:10

New Beginnings

 Today is the first day of the rest of your life. 

I haven't written here in a very long time, but I want to start again. The reason I want to write again is to share how my life has changed. I want it to be clear that what is before this is different from what comes after. If you have read my posts you know that I was an independent, feminist agnostic, proud to leave behind my Christian upbringing. 6 years ago God changed all that with one question from the man I was going to marry.  "What were you running from?" That question prompted a lot of soul searching and openness that resulted in giving my life to Jesus in the middle of a thunderstorm.

 If anyone is in Christ he is a new creature. The old has passed away. The new has come! II Corinthians 5:17