For a moment, I wonder why last week went by so fast, why I feel so tired, and why this weekend at work has been such an emotional whirlwind for me. Then I remember, oh yes, I decided to go back on hormonal birth control.
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I haven't mentioned the subject in a long time, but long-time readers and IRL friends know how much and how long I was obsessed with having a baby and how horrifically painful my periods can be. For years now, I've been staying in bed with the heating pad on the first day of my period and popping the occasional Vicodin and lots and lots of Ibuprofen. Given the fact that I don't appear to be getting pregnant anyway, I finally decided to go back on the pill: the one thing that has been proven to keep me pain-free.
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For at least a year now, I've been growing more and more accustomed to the idea that we won't have children, and made peace with the idea that that's okay for me. So this seemed like a good time to get rid of the pain, a move which it took me a while to become emotionally ready for. It took some effort for me not to be angry that, not only will my reproductive system not reproduce, but it is also a major inconvenience. I call it "worse than useless."
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But that wasn't the point. The reason I started writing this (really transparent and personal for me) post was to talk about a little problem I had at work. Only weariness kept me from writing a frustrated rant yesterday morning about the nurse who made morning report so terrible that I was in tears before it was over with. I composed it in my head on the drive home. I meant to write that if I had to give her report every day, I would quit my job. Then I talked to jc about it and remember that the extra hormones I'm taking are making me emotional.
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The surest cure for a bad night at work is a good night at work, so I was happy to come back to work tonight. I'm even happier now that several people have confirmed that the nurse in question is just a good, old-fashioned Meanie and has been reported for her Meanness on more than one occasion. You see, before I knew that, I perceived her behavior as a personal attack. Now I know better.
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I don't have a dictionary in front of me, but I think you could use the word "maudlin" appropriately to discuss my rambling. I better get back to work.
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Rose
2 comments:
i'm sorry you had such a bad night. what a big ol' meanie is right! =) thanks for the comments on my blog. sorry i've never really commented on yours. i'm so sorry that you haven't been able to have a baby. i often wonder why the Lord chose to give them to me. i'm very thankful, but am so sorry when i hear of others wanting them so badly. thanks for sharing your heart. it was a good post. you're a great writer. (and i'm sure a very good nurse, by the way!) =) love ya!
becky
It sounds as though you have really struggled with this. I wish you peace. Your life sounds so interesting with all of your travels and interests. A child would be blessed to be a part of your life. But, the universe moves in suspicious ways sometimes.
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