Rock Dove

English Sparrow

Crow

Progress

Those of you who talk to me regularly already know that I found a therapist. I consider it (in a way) a very good milepost that she didn't make me dig deep this week because she thought I seemed to happy and didn't want to wreck my happiness.

We're starting to have warm days. Spring is on my mind.

rc

I'm Okay

It's occurred to me that I write far more introspective, angsty posts than I do happy, contented ones. There are obvious reasons for that. If you read my high school diaries, (which you can't, because I destroyed them) you'd see that tendency clearly exhibited. Anyway, as far as I know, no one is eternally mad at me and things aren't really as bad as I made them sound. Thanks to the readership for tolerating a little bipolarity at times.

We're enjoying an amazing amount of sunny weather for January in Portland. I'm loving the new job, and even found a new bus route that cuts my transit time by twenty minutes or so. I'm making a tentative start at an exercise regime-only two days in, we'll see how that goes.

I've even been thinking about writing the dreams again. There have been some real doozies lately.

Rose

Deja Vu or Emotional Rambling

I wonder. Am I destined to go through life making all the same mistakes over and over? Because I'm starting to see a pattern. Can I outlive the mistakes of the past? Can I right the wrongs I've instigated? Can I earn back the trust of those who love me? There's so much work to be done. I'm afraid of what might happen. Now, more than ever, I'm grateful for jc's seeming unconditional love and support. I'm not sure that there's any sense in apologies, because there's no way to undo what I've done. It's been my rule not to regret the past, but I find myself regretting my behavior nonetheless. I need help picking up the pieces.

rose

Forty Year Blizzard

I was so excited when the weather forecast a few weeks ago predicted snow. The morning I woke up to see white, fluffy flakes coating everything and still falling I went out with the camera and trekked all over. We only got a few inches that day, but the cold weather stuck around in a very uncharacteristic fashion. We wound up with something like a foot of snow, an odd inch or so of ice, and plenty of steadily below-freezing mercuries before Christmas week was over.
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I braved the worst of the storm to trek to work by streetcar, bus, and train, with a fair amount of walking tossed in for good measure. The city slowed to a creep during the worst days, with lots of hospital employees sleeping at work, most of the restaurants closed, and skiers and snowshoers in the streets.
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I woke yesterday to pleasant temperatures near fifty, and a Portland that looked more familiar without its coating of snow. The detritus left behind made it look like people had believed the snow would remain forever: cigarette butts, trash, and other messes that people would normally pick up, now exposed by the thaw.
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Rose

Another Park

Everything is so closeby here. I went for a walk, intending to catch the bus to the park. Before I knew it, I was there. It was a lovely, warm, sunny, fall day and Imeandered through the park snapping photos to my heart's content. jc was up when I got back, and we went to Marrakesh for a lovely Morroccan five-course meal, complete with ritual handwashing by the server. I sat on a cushion on the floor, and we ate with our hands. At the end, our hands were sprinkled with a fragrant scented water, and mint tea left a pleasant taste in the mouth.

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Another perfect day.

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Rose

The Park

This park is just a few blocks from the apartment. There is a fountain in summer, with children cooling off from the heat. Yesterday, people were playing bocce, tossing the football, and walking their dogs. There's so much to see and do!

Rose

Fight Hate

I woke up in time to walk to South Park Blocks for the GLTB rally, stopping for a pumpernickel salt bagel on the way. I was disappointed by the size of the crowd and the lack of organization, but it was heartwarming to see gays and lesbians who had shown up to let their voices be heard, so many of them with children. It makes me smile to see these beautiful, loving families with happy children. It angers me that people who sit at home taking their own civil rights for granted would try to strip others of the simple right to marry and adopt children into loving families. There is nothing more hypocritical than that. The Harvey Milk biopic premiered here last night. The top picture is a quote of his. Below is a straight family who showed up to join the protest. Here's hoping that future years find us repealing proposition 8 and similar measures and giving equal rights to all.

a bit of the Pearl

I stepped out to the Jewish deli this morning for their Nova lox on a pumpernickel bagel. On the way back, I snapped a few random shots of the neighborhood. I've been dying to get out and photograph foliage, but I've been busy with the new job every day this week, and moving before that. Today it's raining a little. Maybe the sun will come out later.

rc

Moved

We're installed in our new high rise loft apartment. Boxes surround us. It's the favorite time for the kitties. Lots of places to play. Odds and ends remain to be completed before we give back keys from the old place. I've accepted a new job. Orientation starts Monday, followed by classes every day next week, and finally floor orientation the following week. I'll be floating to eleven different floors, and I get two nights orientation on each floor before being on my own. My first night alone will be the first or second week of January. That's more orientation than I got in my first job as a new nurse. I also get an annual public transportation pass. I'll be taking the bus to work and trying to sell the Titan. I'm loving the convenience of being in the city. My favorite so far is the food carts. A mile's walk and five bucks gets me Mexican, Thai, Vietnamese, Greek, Lebanese, Japanese, Korean or Polish cuisine. That's a real bargain, and I get some exercise. Who needs to cook?

rc

random dream journal

Granny was acting strangely. Don't remember the details.

We had a party on the deck for extended family. The guests, including Uncle Junior, were smoking and dropping lit butts and matches on the nicely finished wood deck. Once the deck actually started to catch fire and had to be put out. I started yelling and cursing at them to stop, then stormed off inside.

I went to a movie with a bunch of teenage girls. As I was leaving, Big M and Uncle George came in for the next showing. I made my way through a maze of seats to tell them that they weren't going to like it.

I was somewhere with XBFRN. Can't remember the details.

Sronnoc Esor

New Beginnnings

Moving day is Saturday. I should be spending more time packing.
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We're going to see Spring Awakenings tomorrow.
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I accepted a job on the float pool at Providence working 3 eight hour nights.
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I'm excited about all these things.
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rc

dream journal

A man disguised his wife as an indentured servant for the Atlantic voyage. Her English was flawless and she was obviously a lady. The woman who pretended to be his wife spoke and dressed coarsely.

We followed the guide/teacher on a tour. I missed the elevator that the group got on and I didn't know which floor they went to. The elevator I got in took me to the eighth floor. When the doors opened, a young man and woman who had been leaning against the elevator doors making out nearly tumbled in. I went down to the fifth floor where I found the group. They were discussing a sick patient and wondering why the family didn't realize that the patient would never recover. When the group left, I noticed that two family members had been hiding in the room.

A man threw a house party. He invited me, but then ignored me. I think I was related to him. When everyone ordered dinner out, I used his credit card to pay. My sister wasn't sure it was a good idea. The man was a mathematician. He wore a pill cutter on the forefinger of each hand to help him do math. I offered to put the pill cutters away while he was sitting in the living room visiting with his guests, and he became angry and told me to go away. I went to get my coat in Granny's den where several guests were sitting.

The water supply was unusual.

sronnoc esor

News

• signed lease for Pearl district apartment
• move-in is October 25
• promising interview Friday- waiting for job offer
• too antsy too sit in the house- off to downtown

rc

Update or I Like the City

The above picture was taken at The Grotto. The statuary depicts St. Francis of Assissi, who must have something to do with peace, considering his companions.

jc and I have been spending a lot of time downtown. Quite ironically, we moved to the part of the city that is most nearly identical to the tired, boring, small town we were trying to escape. In addition, our 25-year old condo is badly in need of maintenance and repairs, and the association has decided to go all out now, with roofing and paving going on every day. There's no end in sight. So we started looking at apartments downtown. jc wanted to live downtown to start out with, and we knew that this place was just a way to get to the city. We found a great loft, and we're just waiting for the details to be approved, so we should be moving in a few weeks.

Spending time in the city changes how I think about myself. I find myself thinking more about my appearance than I ever did. In former podunk outpousts where the universal dress code is either coveralls or baggy sweatpants, I've had little motivation to do any better than jeans and a t-shirt. When I have the treat of looking at people who are well-dressed and pleasant, I want to do the same myself.

It surprises me how much I enjoy the city. I grew up as a simple country girl, but every day that I spend in the city, I enjoy it more. Yesterday, I went alone; riding the train, going to the library, reading a book in a coffee shop. It was a successful day. I'll do it again.

rc

More Ambiguity

This blog has always been, in some ways, a place of relative ambiguity . It's inconvenient for me to write in detail on this forum about deeply personal matters. I can discuss my feelings much more freely than the reasons for them. I stopped crying today for the most part. The tears that did come today were completely different from the ones from before. As I told jc, in Scenario A there is something that I thought would make me happy and something that made me very sad. Scenario B involves something that disappoints me somewhat and something that makes me very happy. So I chose Scenario B. I have a twinge of regret over missing out on Scenario A, but I'm not turning back.

rc

Happiness

When I was in my early teens, I spent the summer working as a waitress at a summer camp. One of my weekend duties was to clean between groups. As I was cleaning the lodge one week, I encountered a woman who was still there because she was ill. Yet she was sitting up in bed smiling and laughing with her family.

Since then, I've observed this phenomenon many times, but that first experience really stuck with me. The terminal patients on the oncology floor where we did clinicals in nursing school often surprised me in the same way. After reading the chart of a woman who had a very grim prognosis, I went into her room and found her happily listening to Stevie Nicks on headphones. We dreaded those patients the most, but maybe they taught us the most. Not about medicine, but about life.

Today my lovely friend Shewcbn reminded me not to spend life chasing happiness, but to simply choose happiness. I agree with her. I've had some hard days lately and cried a lot of tears, and it isn't over by any means. But this morning in bed, I forced myself to breathe deeply, fully exhale, and go to a happy place, just like I tell nervous hospital patients to do. And despite these difficult days, my happy place is still there, and I can still be happy in it.

rc

Tooth Fairy- dream journal

I was sitting with Grandma Comfort, telling her about my recurring dream. I told her that it involved walking from her house, up the mountain, and trying to come out at Big M's house near Port Matilda.

I was in a car with Dorothy Wert and Peg Hisson, going on a trip. We stopped at a remote house, high on the hillside to talk to someone sitting in a car in the parking lot. I decided to get out and walk. I had to negotiate over an area of large boulders and wooden pilings before coming out onto the path.

Next I found myself walking the route that I had described. It had changed into that recurring twilight, wooded corridor. I passed a military looking, open vehicle with two men it. I was concerned that they would try to stop me, but the paid no attention. I walked for a while, then suddenly I had a bicycle. I saw two cyclists coming up fast behind me, so I moved to the side in an alcove to let them by. I saw it was a white-haired couple. They said they weren't really going they fast. They were going to the doctor. They asked me if I believed in radiating poison of some kind that kills earthworms on contact. I said that I couldn't believe in it since I had never heard of it happening. I held the door for them, and they went insisde the hospital.

A tiny little boy was running down the hallway. He tripped, hit his mouth, and knocked a tooth out. I stooped to pick him up and saw that he had a full mouth of teeth despite the fact that he didn't look any older than eighteen months. There was no bleeding and he didn't seem to mind the missing tooth. I stepped into a nearby door and asked where he belonged. They sent me around the corner, where his nurse hadn't really seemed to miss him. I had dropped the tooth somewhere. I was helping the nurse with a procedure on the little boy when a woman who I perceived to be my staffing coordinator came rushing in to tell me they needed me elsewhere because the old lady I had held the door for was dead. I hurried away to help, stopping along the way to find the lost tooth.

Sronnoc Esor