More Ambiguity

This blog has always been, in some ways, a place of relative ambiguity . It's inconvenient for me to write in detail on this forum about deeply personal matters. I can discuss my feelings much more freely than the reasons for them. I stopped crying today for the most part. The tears that did come today were completely different from the ones from before. As I told jc, in Scenario A there is something that I thought would make me happy and something that made me very sad. Scenario B involves something that disappoints me somewhat and something that makes me very happy. So I chose Scenario B. I have a twinge of regret over missing out on Scenario A, but I'm not turning back.

rc

Happiness

When I was in my early teens, I spent the summer working as a waitress at a summer camp. One of my weekend duties was to clean between groups. As I was cleaning the lodge one week, I encountered a woman who was still there because she was ill. Yet she was sitting up in bed smiling and laughing with her family.

Since then, I've observed this phenomenon many times, but that first experience really stuck with me. The terminal patients on the oncology floor where we did clinicals in nursing school often surprised me in the same way. After reading the chart of a woman who had a very grim prognosis, I went into her room and found her happily listening to Stevie Nicks on headphones. We dreaded those patients the most, but maybe they taught us the most. Not about medicine, but about life.

Today my lovely friend Shewcbn reminded me not to spend life chasing happiness, but to simply choose happiness. I agree with her. I've had some hard days lately and cried a lot of tears, and it isn't over by any means. But this morning in bed, I forced myself to breathe deeply, fully exhale, and go to a happy place, just like I tell nervous hospital patients to do. And despite these difficult days, my happy place is still there, and I can still be happy in it.

rc

Tooth Fairy- dream journal

I was sitting with Grandma Comfort, telling her about my recurring dream. I told her that it involved walking from her house, up the mountain, and trying to come out at Big M's house near Port Matilda.

I was in a car with Dorothy Wert and Peg Hisson, going on a trip. We stopped at a remote house, high on the hillside to talk to someone sitting in a car in the parking lot. I decided to get out and walk. I had to negotiate over an area of large boulders and wooden pilings before coming out onto the path.

Next I found myself walking the route that I had described. It had changed into that recurring twilight, wooded corridor. I passed a military looking, open vehicle with two men it. I was concerned that they would try to stop me, but the paid no attention. I walked for a while, then suddenly I had a bicycle. I saw two cyclists coming up fast behind me, so I moved to the side in an alcove to let them by. I saw it was a white-haired couple. They said they weren't really going they fast. They were going to the doctor. They asked me if I believed in radiating poison of some kind that kills earthworms on contact. I said that I couldn't believe in it since I had never heard of it happening. I held the door for them, and they went insisde the hospital.

A tiny little boy was running down the hallway. He tripped, hit his mouth, and knocked a tooth out. I stooped to pick him up and saw that he had a full mouth of teeth despite the fact that he didn't look any older than eighteen months. There was no bleeding and he didn't seem to mind the missing tooth. I stepped into a nearby door and asked where he belonged. They sent me around the corner, where his nurse hadn't really seemed to miss him. I had dropped the tooth somewhere. I was helping the nurse with a procedure on the little boy when a woman who I perceived to be my staffing coordinator came rushing in to tell me they needed me elsewhere because the old lady I had held the door for was dead. I hurried away to help, stopping along the way to find the lost tooth.

Sronnoc Esor

It's Complicated

I haven't posted in a long time. That's partly because gas prices have kept me at home, so I've been nowhere to either write about or take pictures of. It's also partly because I'm somewhat introspective and slightly troubled. It's not anything that I'm ready to talk about, but it's occupying my mind more and more.

rc

Beets!

I love to grow things, but I'm really bad it it; so I get really excited by small degrees of success. Just to have my seeds come up is a major accomplishment. For my beets to actually be leafy and green and pretty is unbelievably exciting. I'm beginning to entertain the possibility that I'll actually have beets to eat. As a matter of fact, I'm planning to thin these crowded plants and eat the greens today.

In other matters, Ki'il and the Scholar moved to town this week. I'm looking forward to having someone here to meet for coffee. In an optimistic move, I checked The Basic Writings of C.G. Jung out of the library. We'll see how far I get. I'm halfway through at least six books already.

I'm ready for the rains! Have I said that before? I ordered a raincoat. Pics when it arrives.

Rose

IRFD- Barely Flipped

I sat on the train home from the city late this afternoon, thinking about how it was the second annual International Rock Flipping Day and I still hadn't flipped any rocks. I snapped this shot from the bridge.

When I got home, I realized that the dying light didn't give me long to flip, so I headed down the blocked off, dead-end, city street we live on to search for rocks.

I came to this rock-like barricade, much too heavy to lift, but sitting on lots of limestone.

I flipped a few small rocks and was disappointed by fallen leaves. Then I turned this rock over and found ant larvae and this vaguely snail-like looking creature

Another large pile of manufactured rock on top of more rock. If you watched long enough you might see something crawl out of the cracks here. I only saw candy bar wrappers, crushed aluminum cans, and the ashes of a forgotten campfire.

I turned back before heading up the lane to snap this shot of the waxing moon shining over the Willamette River. By now, the bats were swooping in their erratic arcs, a garter snake scurried across the cracked macadam looking for a hole to hide in, and the street light glowed the same pink as the last rays of the fading sun.

Rose

International Rock Flipping Day 2008 (links)

Rock-Flipping Day Reports

Pohanginapete (Pohangina Valley, Aotearoa/New Zealand)
Blaugustine (London, England)
Nature Remains (Ohio, USA)
Pensacola Daily Photo (Florida, USA)
KatDoc’s World (Ohio, USA)
Notes from the Cloud Messenger (Ontario, Canada)
Brittle Road (Texas [?])
Sherry Chandler (Kentucky, USA)
osage + orange (Illinois, USA)
Rock Paper Lizard (British Columbia, Canada)
The Crafty H (Virginia, USA)
Chicken Spaghetti (Connecticut, USA)
A Passion for Nature (New York, USA)
The Dog Geek (Virginia, USA)
Blue Ridge blog (North Carolina, USA)
Bug Girl’s Blog (Midwestern US)
chatoyance (Austin, Texas)
Riverside Rambles (Missouri, USA)
Pines Above Snow(Maryland, USA)
Beth’s stories (Maine, USA)
A Honey of an Anklet (Virginia, USA)
Wanderin’ Weeta (British Columbia, Canada)
Fate, Felicity, or Fluke (Oregon, USA)
The Northwest Nature Nut (Oregon, USA)
Roundrock Journal (Missouri, USA)
The New Dharma Bums (California, USA)
The Marvelous in Nature (Ontario, Canada)
Via Negativa (Pennsylvania, USA)
Mrs. Gray’s class, Beatty-Warren Middle School (Pennsylvania, USA)
Cicero Sings (British Columbia, Canada)

Via Negativa has the complete description and link list for IRFD. Thanks for hosting, Dave!

Angelic...

...definitely doesn't describe me. I'd love to get outside to get rid of some of my bluesy, bored, irritable mood, but it's simply too sunny and hot. I'm seriously ready for the rains to start! I ordered a new coat, specifically intended for rainy days in the city. I'm irritated with the company for being so slow about sending it, even though I have no use for it whatever at the moment. I'm obsessed with political coverage of this very fascinating, historic election, but I'm irritated with that too. Even my five pound bag of nacho chips with all the appropriate toppings isn't cheering me up at the moment. I'm going to brew a fresh pot of tea and be as unpleasant as possible. That just how I feel.

.

not so rosy